Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, November 17, 2008
changes
"Women is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control, and with the dominance of men. Isn't it true? Aren't your deepest worries and heartaches relational-aren't they connected to someone? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. Most women hate their vulnerability. We are not inviting-we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves and control our worlds to have a sense of security."
This passage really struck me today. I've always wondered if it was me that was just so connected with relationships or if it was all women, or all people for that matter? It seems like I spend the majority of my time attempting to deepen some relationship with someone-with God, friends, boyfriend. And I find when one of these relationships suffers or dissipates, I'm left feeling as if I've failed significantly, in an unresolvable way.
I have not been inviting lately. I have been exceptionally guarded. My most recent encounter involves pushing away a seemingly nice guy for no reason over the last four months. What is my problem? I refuse to believe it's still attributed to a wall I constructed from previous detrimental relationships...but could it be? Things seem to be so fleeting and evanescent. I'm almost afraid to touch for fear it's an illusion. On the contrary, I'm apprehensive to touch for fear of it being real, so real it has the potential of burning. It's so childlike.
Maybe this particular relationship wasn't meant to be, but I can't help feeling responsible for its downfall. I'm not sure if I held on for so long for fear of being alone, if I did truly feel something, or if my heart is still breaking for someone else.
Whatever the reason, it's done. I was told that I have changed...and although this person didn't quite think it fit with their new found relationship with God, I found it quite encouraging to hear that someone could tell I was making progress in becoming a better woman of God.
Some crazy changes have been going on...recovering from my recent surgery, studying for exams, preparing for grad school, ending relationships, beginning new friendships, reopening old ones, and most importantly devoting more time to God...I would say I have enough to keep me busy. And oddly enough, I'm looking forward to the uncertainty.
This passage really struck me today. I've always wondered if it was me that was just so connected with relationships or if it was all women, or all people for that matter? It seems like I spend the majority of my time attempting to deepen some relationship with someone-with God, friends, boyfriend. And I find when one of these relationships suffers or dissipates, I'm left feeling as if I've failed significantly, in an unresolvable way.
I have not been inviting lately. I have been exceptionally guarded. My most recent encounter involves pushing away a seemingly nice guy for no reason over the last four months. What is my problem? I refuse to believe it's still attributed to a wall I constructed from previous detrimental relationships...but could it be? Things seem to be so fleeting and evanescent. I'm almost afraid to touch for fear it's an illusion. On the contrary, I'm apprehensive to touch for fear of it being real, so real it has the potential of burning. It's so childlike.
Maybe this particular relationship wasn't meant to be, but I can't help feeling responsible for its downfall. I'm not sure if I held on for so long for fear of being alone, if I did truly feel something, or if my heart is still breaking for someone else.
Whatever the reason, it's done. I was told that I have changed...and although this person didn't quite think it fit with their new found relationship with God, I found it quite encouraging to hear that someone could tell I was making progress in becoming a better woman of God.
Some crazy changes have been going on...recovering from my recent surgery, studying for exams, preparing for grad school, ending relationships, beginning new friendships, reopening old ones, and most importantly devoting more time to God...I would say I have enough to keep me busy. And oddly enough, I'm looking forward to the uncertainty.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Coffee black and egg white
There are always those songs.
You know... the one that comes up on your ipod, and no matter how many times you've heard it you'll always keep it there, turn it up as loud as you can, and sing every word.
I realized I do have a few. I love music, it kinda feels like a soundtrack to my life (as emo as that sounds). Some people's memories are triggered mostly by smells, or sights, but mine has always been music. I'm not a gifted musician or anything, but I just truly love everything about it.
1. Colorblind-Counting Crows. Is it morbid to say that I would like to die listening to this song?
2. Let Go-Frou Frou
3. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer
4. Deadbolt-Thrice
5. Volcano-Damien Rice. Or anything off O really
6. In the Air Tonight-Phil Collins
7. Motownphilly-Boyz II Men
8. Rhapsody on a Theme-Rachmaninoff (Somewhere in Time theme song)
You know... the one that comes up on your ipod, and no matter how many times you've heard it you'll always keep it there, turn it up as loud as you can, and sing every word.
I realized I do have a few. I love music, it kinda feels like a soundtrack to my life (as emo as that sounds). Some people's memories are triggered mostly by smells, or sights, but mine has always been music. I'm not a gifted musician or anything, but I just truly love everything about it.
1. Colorblind-Counting Crows. Is it morbid to say that I would like to die listening to this song?
2. Let Go-Frou Frou
3. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer
4. Deadbolt-Thrice
5. Volcano-Damien Rice. Or anything off O really
6. In the Air Tonight-Phil Collins
7. Motownphilly-Boyz II Men
8. Rhapsody on a Theme-Rachmaninoff (Somewhere in Time theme song)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
he said smile so i did
Happy. who would have thought?
it'll never be read or seen, but i thank God for the presence in my life. He's really awesome.
goodnight :)
it'll never be read or seen, but i thank God for the presence in my life. He's really awesome.
goodnight :)
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Nurse Card
I've been thinking of going back to school for sometime now. I don't like being an accountant, I feel useless on a daily basis. I've often wrestled with the idea of going to nursing school, which I almost did a few years back.I played this game last night called Cash Flow by the author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
Every person picks an occupation card at the beginning.
I randomly got the Nurse card.
Jokingly I said, If I win this game tonight, it's a sign.
I won. Pretty cool huh
Is it foolish to base life decisions on a game?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Finally
angel of mercy, how did you find me, how did you pick me up again?
angel of mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?
and i see you, i feel you
angel of mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?
and i see you, i feel you
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