23 Enigma

I'll be 23 on monday...

Fun facts about 23:
1. the most commonly cited prime number.
2. More freaky numerical coincidences: Charles Darwin's Origin of Species was published in 1859 - 1+8+5+9 = 23. Two divided by three makes 0.666 recurring. The Hiroshima bomb was dropped at 8.15am - 8+15= 23.
3. The Ancient Chinese believed numbers conveyed sexuality - evens for feminine and odds for masculine. They considered prime numbers to be the most masculine, conferring special status on 23. (Does this mean I'll find a boyfriend this year? Or do I have to wait for even? haha)
4. Each parent contributes 23 chromosomes to the start of human life.
5. The terrorist attacks on America on 11 September 2001 have been held up as one of the most portentous examples of the disturbing power of 23. The figures in the date (9+11+2+0+0+1) add up to 23.
6. Oh and look...my birth year equals 23 (1+9+8+5)

See...apparently 23 has some importance to other crazies, maybe it will for me too?

but 23...eek

then comes 24, 25 then 40, then dead. I am not looking forward to 23. I envisioned my life to be so much different than what reality has actually dealt me. But I guess it's futile to ramble on about what I thought it was going to be like and instead focus on what it really is.


I've been a loner lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing? But I've kept to myself over the last few weeks. I can't really describe how I feel right now about life. I'm not sure if I even feel anything. I've just been going through the motions-wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat. I don't feel a sense of joy.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about joy. I think we all live with this illusion that joy will come someday if conditions change. We go to school and think that we will be happy when we graduate or when we get a different job. We are single and convinced that things will be so much better once we're married and have children. But when is this continuing pursuit of joy supposed to end? I guess true joy only comes when we finally devote our lives to something greater than personal happiness. I know we see this most when we think of saints and martyrs, but I've now made it a personal goal to achieve this as an ordinary human being.

I feel like we're more acceptant of constant complaining. People complain about everything (including myself!) When did it become so cool to be a grouch? Does it make you seem like you're more in tune with the world and its suffering or that you're more introspective and intelligent than the next person? I'm tired of whining.

I love this book that we're reading in small group. This last chapter we read talks about true celebration being the inverse of hedonism. Hedonism is the demand for more and more pleasure and personal gratification. It always follows the law of diminishing returns, so whatever happened yesterday that brought us joy is not longer there the next day. Our capacity for joy is diminishing, but celebration is not. One part says that "when we celebrate, we exercise our ability to see and feel goodness in the simplest gifts of God. We are able to take delight today in something we wouldn't have even noticed yesterday. Our capacity for joy increases." Yes! This is what I want. I can even begin now. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad. It doesn't say "yesterday, or 3 years ago was the day the Lord has made to rejoice and be glad, so sucks for you." It says today.

23 will be 23. Good, bad, I dunno. I'm not sure what it will bring, but I will make it a personal goal to rejoice and be glad for whatever path life takes me this year.

whew, here we go.
23