caricature of a heart

Do what you want

2010-11-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

perfect lyrics from Jerrod Niemann to describe how i'm feeling right now....

Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don’t have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

What do you want me to say?
That I’m content? That I’m on the fence? That I wish you would’ve stayed?
Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you’re feelin’ lonely.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

Captivating

2010-02-23T22:33:00.001-08:00

Wow! It has definitely been a while since I've touched this thing. I tend to journal things on my laptop, but they never quite make it to the blog wall. Nevertheless, I felt like I was a bit overdue. At least I owe it to myself, since I am the sole viewer of this biggity blog.

A while back I was inspired by a friend to enter a drawing with the Ransomed Heart ministry to participate in the annual Captivating retreat held by Stasi Eldridge-author and wife of John Eldridge. And as luck would have it, I got accepted! At first I was extremely happy for a chance to venture out on my own, travel to another state, and pour my heart out to other women in hopes of "finding" myself and gaining a better understanding of my heart. Today, though, I'm faced with an undeniable fear of not measuring up to the task. I logged on to the ransomed heart website today to try and get involved with some of the threads being posted on the Captivating page. It shocked me a bit to find so many people sharing their stories already and extending prayer to other women they haven't even met before. I loved reading through them, but began feeling a bit overwhelmed by the magnitude of emotions being passed around. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to submit to hard feelings? To be honest, I just checked the website to see what the cancellation fee was. Coward-I know. It's odd to actually pinpoint a moment where you feel you're a bit caught up in a game of spiritual warfare. I can definitely feel the nagging pressure to drop this thing and run. I'm determined to make 2010 a good year, so I shall stick to the plan. Anyway, just a bit freaked out. I'm sure I'll return saying "it was the BEST trip ever," but right now that does little to relieve the butterflies in my stomach. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity. I know at some point I'll fully understand what you had in store for me.

2009-01-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

blahhh blii haldafei stupid blog

changes

2008-11-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

"Women is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control, and with the dominance of men. Isn't it true? Aren't your deepest worries and heartaches relational-aren't they connected to someone? There is an emptiness in us that we continually try to feed. Most women hate their vulnerability. We are not inviting-we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves and control our worlds to have a sense of security."

This passage really struck me today. I've always wondered if it was me that was just so connected with relationships or if it was all women, or all people for that matter? It seems like I spend the majority of my time attempting to deepen some relationship with someone-with God, friends, boyfriend. And I find when one of these relationships suffers or dissipates, I'm left feeling as if I've failed significantly, in an unresolvable way.

I have not been inviting lately. I have been exceptionally guarded. My most recent encounter involves pushing away a seemingly nice guy for no reason over the last four months. What is my problem? I refuse to believe it's still attributed to a wall I constructed from previous detrimental relationships...but could it be? Things seem to be so fleeting and evanescent. I'm almost afraid to touch for fear it's an illusion. On the contrary, I'm apprehensive to touch for fear of it being real, so real it has the potential of burning. It's so childlike.

Maybe this particular relationship wasn't meant to be, but I can't help feeling responsible for its downfall. I'm not sure if I held on for so long for fear of being alone, if I did truly feel something, or if my heart is still breaking for someone else.

Whatever the reason, it's done. I was told that I have changed...and although this person didn't quite think it fit with their new found relationship with God, I found it quite encouraging to hear that someone could tell I was making progress in becoming a better woman of God.

Some crazy changes have been going on...recovering from my recent surgery, studying for exams, preparing for grad school, ending relationships, beginning new friendships, reopening old ones, and most importantly devoting more time to God...I would say I have enough to keep me busy. And oddly enough, I'm looking forward to the uncertainty.

2008-11-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

freedom!

feels so good. excited for what's next

Coffee black and egg white

2008-09-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

There are always those songs.
You know... the one that comes up on your ipod, and no matter how many times you've heard it you'll always keep it there, turn it up as loud as you can, and sing every word.

I realized I do have a few. I love music, it kinda feels like a soundtrack to my life (as emo as that sounds). Some people's memories are triggered mostly by smells, or sights, but mine has always been music. I'm not a gifted musician or anything, but I just truly love everything about it.

1. Colorblind-Counting Crows. Is it morbid to say that I would like to die listening to this song?
2. Let Go-Frou Frou
3. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer
4. Deadbolt-Thrice
5. Volcano-Damien Rice. Or anything off O really
6. In the Air Tonight-Phil Collins
7. Motownphilly-Boyz II Men
8. Rhapsody on a Theme-Rachmaninoff (Somewhere in Time theme song)

he said smile so i did

2008-08-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

Happy. who would have thought?

it'll never be read or seen, but i thank God for the presence in my life. He's really awesome.

goodnight :)

The Nurse Card

2008-08-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of going back to school for sometime now. I don't like being an accountant, I feel useless on a daily basis. I've often wrestled with the idea of going to nursing school, which I almost did a few years back.

I played this game last night called Cash Flow by the author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
Every person picks an occupation card at the beginning.
I randomly got the Nurse card.
Jokingly I said, If I win this game tonight, it's a sign.
I won. Pretty cool huh

Is it foolish to base life decisions on a game?

Finally

2008-08-07T15:41:00.001-07:00

angel of mercy, how did you find me, how did you pick me up again?
angel of mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?

and i see you, i feel you

God's Country

2008-07-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

I always wonder if the grass is greener...

In Oklahoma the grass was greener, literally, but what would it be like to really live there? To live anywhere besides California for that matter.

There seemed to be a lightness about this place. The people were friendlier and more helpful. I felt like I had known the neighbors for years within only a few days of meeting them. It was arcadian and charming to say the least.

I wonder if the idea of living somewhere else just seems more enchanting because I'm suffocating. Suffocating in this lifeless, redundant episode I've created for myself. I've been trapped in a kaleidoscope for sometime now: At first the patterns and shapes seem to continually change, but eventually they repeat, and repeat, and grow tiresome.

I have been blessed immensely and I pay unending homage and tribute to God. I just ponder what's next.

My pawn should make a move but I'm so unsure of its direction.

Great Expectations

2008-06-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

Expectations...we all have them.
A ton of them, actually. We have expectations for our day, for our career, for other people and how they treat us. We expect our significant others to be perfect, we expect our family and friends to always be there for us in every imaginable way; we just desire so much.

At what point is not having your expectations met your fault? For example, you complain that your boyfriend/girlfriend treats you like crap, keeps cheating on you and failing to meet your expectations... but isn't this your fault for continuing to pursue this person and for desperately expecting them to be your Mr. Right? You're repeatedly being hurt, pushed around and treated poorly, but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own outcomes. Give it up and walk away. Take control and don't expect anything from that person. But is that how it's supposed to be? Should I abandon all hope I have in other's just to avoid disappointment?

If you want to have great friends, respect from others, and a full, vibrant life, you have to be willing to do the same. Fulfilled expectations and outcomes work synonymously with your level of energy and input.

I'm growing weary of people wanting the world from you, but never having any intention of returning that same level of commitment and kindness. What gives people the boldness to expect so much of others when the barely hold up to their own standards? If you're not willing to work harder, go deeper, and give it all, then why ask for the same in return? I think people need to start taking more responsibility for disparate outcomes, including myself.

Just a short vent...

change is good

2008-06-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

crossing my fingers...
like this....
well all but the man part

June 5th!
I hope it goes well

2008-05-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Man, today I had a really sad day. I think I might feel physically sick from it. This sucks :/

(insert melodramatic statement here)

2008-05-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

wow, what a day.

I had a blissful day of pushing paper and worrying about budgets. Got a nice call from ESRI for an interview and extra compensation for overtime I put in for work. Celebrated my birthday with friends from work. So far so good, right?

Oh nooo. Not so much. I hate how things keep getting turned upside down when I finally think they have settled down. I don't know who to trust or who to believe. Everything people say is just mush. Lies? Honesty? Embellishments? Who freakin even knows?

Then, I get kicked out of my Bible study because once again the group is being made into an all-guy group. Right when I was beginning to really be thankful for the new group that I had found, it all gets changed....again. Now I'm left with no group

Moving in alone, no group, stupid drama with close friend...alone.

23 is awesome.

2008-05-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to let go.

23 Enigma

2008-05-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'll be 23 on monday...

Fun facts about 23:
1. the most commonly cited prime number.
2. More freaky numerical coincidences: Charles Darwin's Origin of Species was published in 1859 - 1+8+5+9 = 23. Two divided by three makes 0.666 recurring. The Hiroshima bomb was dropped at 8.15am - 8+15= 23.
3. The Ancient Chinese believed numbers conveyed sexuality - evens for feminine and odds for masculine. They considered prime numbers to be the most masculine, conferring special status on 23. (Does this mean I'll find a boyfriend this year? Or do I have to wait for even? haha)
4. Each parent contributes 23 chromosomes to the start of human life.
5. The terrorist attacks on America on 11 September 2001 have been held up as one of the most portentous examples of the disturbing power of 23. The figures in the date (9+11+2+0+0+1) add up to 23.
6. Oh and look...my birth year equals 23 (1+9+8+5)

See...apparently 23 has some importance to other crazies, maybe it will for me too?

but 23...eek

then comes 24, 25 then 40, then dead. I am not looking forward to 23. I envisioned my life to be so much different than what reality has actually dealt me. But I guess it's futile to ramble on about what I thought it was going to be like and instead focus on what it really is.

I've been a loner lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing? But I've kept to myself over the last few weeks. I can't really describe how I feel right now about life. I'm not sure if I even feel anything. I've just been going through the motions-wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat. I don't feel a sense of joy.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about joy. I think we all live with this illusion that joy will come someday if conditions change. We go to school and think that we will be happy when we graduate or when we get a different job. We are single and convinced that things will be so much better once we're married and have children. But when is this continuing pursuit of joy supposed to end? I guess true joy only comes when we finally devote our lives to something greater than personal happiness. I know we see this most when we think of saints and martyrs, but I've now made it a personal goal to achieve this as an ordinary human being.

I feel like we're more acceptant of constant complaining. People complain about everything (including myself!) When did it become so cool to be a grouch? Does it make you seem like you're more in tune with the world and its suffering or that you're more introspective and intelligent than the next person? I'm tired of whining.

I love this book that we're reading in small group. This last chapter we read talks about true celebration being the inverse of hedonism. Hedonism is the demand for more and more pleasure and personal gratification. It always follows the law of diminishing returns, so whatever happened yesterday that brought us joy is not longer there the next day. Our capacity for joy is diminishing, but celebration is not. One part says that "when we celebrate, we exercise our ability to see and feel goodness in the simplest gifts of God. We are able to take delight today in something we wouldn't have even noticed yesterday. Our capacity for joy increases." Yes! This is what I want. I can even begin now. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad. It doesn't say "yesterday, or 3 years ago was the day the Lord has made to rejoice and be glad, so sucks for you." It says today.

23 will be 23. Good, bad, I dunno. I'm not sure what it will bring, but I will make it a personal goal to rejoice and be glad for whatever path life takes me this year.

whew, here we go.
23

miss her

2008-04-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

4.2.08 marks the third year. i still miss her so much.
It's hard visiting my dad-watching him date other people. replacing pictures and taking down her tacky decorations that I loved so much. I hate it. I just wish she could be back. I would visit this weekend, grab some pringles and a raft and float around the pool all day like we used too. It would be great. But it won't be great, because she's not here.
I hope to see her again. Please let there be a Heaven.

Disenchanted

2008-03-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

I sat down to write, but I realized I don't have much to say.

I'm just tired of waiting, I need so much more than this.

2008-03-05T23:55:00.000-08:00

uggghhhh
why is it that i just spent almost 3 hours talking about core sins in small group and not even 15 min into getting home i start meddling in mine? Anger: my core sin (as of recent). Quite possibly the worst instigator that has entered my life so far.

I start thinking about this or that, and before I know it im just so upset and mad about things I want to scream.

So once again i will try to keep my boxing gloves off. why cant things just work out already?
ajknedfyebvie!

kinda disturbing?

2008-02-27T16:08:00.001-08:00

So in my defense, I thought this blog was private. I poured my little heart into this blog over the last 6 months, revealing whatever emotions i've had (however petty and disconcerting they are), only to find out for some period of unknown time, it was public. And now it has been found by a few.

So today I'm toiling with the option of making it private again (and double checking). But I found that I don't care so much. I'm at a different point now in my life, and thanks to those writings, I have found peace. So if you choose to mock me, then so be it; I don't really care.

And although this doesn't exactly pertain to me, I have one last concluding thought: I find it a little disturbing that people post "anonymous" comments that are both rude and narcissistic. If you feel you should contribute in such a way, put your name down, take ownership for your spiteful lamentation. Just respect people, is that so hard?

2008-02-04T21:40:00.001-08:00

Propositions 94-97: Wow

Who would have ever thought that California would encourage voters to expand slot-machine gambling (an addictive, self-destructive behavior) in order to balance their own budget? I read awhile ago that more than 60% of slot machine revenue comes from gambling addicts. Why not take it step further...how bout we legalize prostitution and have a portion of that go to the general fund? Heck, how about we throw marijuana and meth profits into the general fund too?! This would be worth billions! Is this really how the government should plan to structure our state budget?

Even futhermore I read that currently each casino is only allowed to have 2000 slot machines. These propositions would increase that number up to 7500 for Pechanga and Morongo. MGM only has 3000 slots-we want to give the Indian tribes more than double that? If all of these slots were put into place the effective tax rate would only be about 15% that had to be paid out to the State. Sheesh, even the CA state lottery takes more than 80% of payouts. Shouldn't we at least be baragaining for 50%? What a freakin good deal for the Indian tribes.

I just don't see any good reason to let these propositions pass. Promoting gambling and taking more money out of Riverside/San Diego county residents just doesn't seem like the best way. It seems like it doesn't encourage any kind of good behavior. These people could be using that money to add to their retirement or college savings fund...not throwing it away in 4x as many slot machines to the benefit of the Indian tribes who barely pull their weight. There's got to be a better plan, right?

2008-01-25T18:03:00.001-08:00

A little better now.

He's amazing :)

the bottom

2008-01-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

+ 4 days
- 6 pounds
- 1 tissue box
+ 12 hours of sleep total

i think this is bottom.

Nauseated and emotionally depleted, I am done. My heart physically hurts. I have to be ok.

"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

God, please let this be true.

2008-01-14T19:20:00.001-08:00

still no changes to the page. funny how the lies never stop. it makes me sick.

come round soon

2008-01-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

It's a bleak, somber day filled with never ending rain. I wonder how people in Seattle can stand the rain? How it doesn't fill their day with gloom and dejection like it's doing to me now.

Or maybe its just fueling the despondency I already feel today...

I could use another cigarette
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you
Like you were mine

All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder though
You've barely spoken
Oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
You may be my final match
'Cause I chase everything when you play
Throw and I play catch
It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me you miss me
You need me
This hungry heart will not subside :(

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today
Well who needs angels anyway?

oh p.s.

2008-01-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

note to self...resolution #1:
write about something worthwhile in my sad sad blog. haha. I think it was a mistake to reread things.

rough day

2008-01-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

It's been rough lately. Well, its been rough relative to my life. I hate saying I've had a rough day when I'm 100% sure that the majority of people in the world have had it a whole lot worse today. But nevertheless, rough.

2007 has come and gone, and oddly enough I've found myself back in the same spot. Slightly different, but mostly the same. I'm extremely volatile at this very moment. I feel angry, empowered, relieved, hurt, nervous, protective, and ironically enough, somewhat joyous. I was crushed this afternoon by someone I love. I found that I've been lied to repeatedly (probably even more than I realize) and I'm not sure how to handle these emotions. Part of me is relieved to know that God maybe has a different scenario for me, but the other part is just plain devastated. I have been stripped, once again, of my hope, dignity, and quite possibly my ability to trust in people again. It sucks. I'm throwing cohesive syntax out the window right now and am just going to speak plainly. I think what hurts more than losing the physical is losing the intangible dream that I've held for so long. The dream of belonging with this person in some way and losing the deep love I've amassed every day for the last few years. I just wonder when things will be right again? And what's more perturbing is that I still have these feelings after being treated so wrongly. I was deceived, manipulated, duped and embarrassed once again, yet the feelings remain. But honestly, deep down I feel empowered right now. I have faith that God will bring me something in time, I just have to be patient. I keep telling myself to remain still and to hold on to the pieces of my heart that are still intact. This is all I can really hope for right? Only one way up I suppose.

I refuse to let these things hinder me for yet another year. Some things have changed over the last year. I decided not to take the auditing job in Orange County mostly to avoid selling out. I feel like my life dream would have shifted dramatically, pulling me into a darker way of life that I want to avoid. I don't want to spend my life chained to a desk leaving me with only minutes to spare with my family. That's not happening. I've never envisioned my life this way. Yes, I'm very ambitious and have ascertainable goals, but I never want those things at the expense of God and family. I'm staying at my job right now which feels good. I'm around people I genuinely like and will have time to pass my test and enjoy what's been given to me in this world. I will venture soon, but not today at least.

I am excited though. There's a thought....Kristin is excited for once about something. I start volunteering in Feb for the AARP which is cool. Then after that I'll help Tijana with KRCB to help with the environment because I hug trees. It'll be very refreshing to take my mind of things. I want to devote myself to other things this year besides blatant masochism. That'd be nice, right? I have a lot of things I want to get right; love will just have to wait.

It's been a dark and painful year. I still have hope for the same thing, but at the moment I'm too hurt to sort it out. I will just have to shift this to other parts of my life.

I have a few new years resolutions but will spare the details. I just hope to at least accomplish a few of them.

Maybe 2008 will be a great year. I am hopeful.

littered questions

2007-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

Why do I always feel compelled to be one step ahead? Is it for money? Recognition? Some sort of false sense of accomplishment? The more I try to get ahead, the more it seems I'm pushed behind. What is it that I'm always so desperately reaching for? Like the cartoon character with the carrot at the end of the fishing rod, I chase, faster. I honestly can't tell you why. What do I have to prove and to whom? Lately, I've been so worried about getting behind. Behind in my career, behind in relationships, behind with God. I want to know so much about the world about me but I'm just behind. Lazy, might even be the more operative word. Restate: I want to know so much more but I'm just lazy. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things I want, yet I don't prioritize. Right now I should be studying, yet I'm typing my feelings to a blog that nobody reads, and for what? I'm chasing after a career, because why? Sometimes I don't see the point in life outside of God. But I guess we can't very well spend all day serving God...or can we? Am I serving God by being an auditor? Who am I helping? Does God need me to assert an opinion on his financial statements? Seriously somebody tell me the freakin point to this terrible daytime soap opera we call life. I just don't get it. Since I don't, why am I even complaining. Just accept it I tell my self, accept mediocrity and just keep chasing after that carrot dream of a career.

One side of the coin: what's the purpose?
The flip side: I want to fulfill a purpose so badly

I want to be come a wife, mother, best friend, auditor, loyal companion, worshiper of God through every bone in my body. I want to be apart of the noon time telemundo special. And honestly, I'm excited for all these different parts of life to take shape. I want to mold the pieces of clay and claim them as my own.

I just pray for stillness.

There are things that can only be accomplished as we meet the Lord in quiet. It is in our quiet times that we get a handle on so many challenging aspects of our lives. Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life& so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and that you will not be dependent on anybody (1 Thessalonians 4:11,12).

I pray for this.

I will listen

2007-10-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

Choices...

After countless smiles, handshakes, interviews and fake small talk, I was offered a job at a national CPA firm located in Orange. Now I have a choice to make.

After all the whining about living here and finding a new place to live, I'm finally presented with an option to leave this place I call my home and venture off into other parts. I'm conflicted right now as to what to do. This job has been something that I've wanted for a long time, but it comes with a price. Is a job ever worth moving away from your family and friends-the people you love and cherish? But what if it's for a greater good? Does God have a plan for me? Maybe the life I've dreamed of is just around the corner. Unfortunately, I do now know these things. All I have is trust and faith.

Part of me wants to take it for the challenge. I almost think I'm supposed to because it's not the easy path. This would be the road less traveled in my case. I'm afraid that if I leave, the relationship I have built back up with Sean will dissolve. But if it's truly love, that wouldn't happen right? I guess that would be the ultimate test to our relationship-whether or not we could make it. And honestly I wouldn't be moving that far, so the strain would be minimal. At least this is what I hope for.

Things lately with him have been so great. It's been a slow path back, but I think it might be good. I feel a lot closer with him. We have both changed so much over the past year, I think it might be the right place for both of us to start anew. This is mostly due to the fact that God is the priority in both of our lives now. Why would God ever want to bless our previous relationship together? It was definitely not centered around him. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I feel good about this.

Thank you God for the choices I've been presented with in my life. I want to glorify you, please help me discover what path will achieve that. I'm listening.

Motionless

2007-10-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

The world is moving. Like a whirlwind it moves, quick and implacable, unable to wait a moment to catch it's breath.
I am motionless. Like a statue I wait, helpless and malleable, hindered by an inability to break free from its maker's arrest.
Until it falls. Shatters.
The cycle continues.
Just move.

stalemate.

2007-09-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Conviction. Where do I begin?
Lately I've felt like I haven't had a home. I so desperately want a safe place to go to, a place to be calm, a place free of judgment, neglect, scrutiny and noise. I've tried to make this my home. Night after night I have alienated myself from others, avoided phone calls, left texts unanswered...but why? I ache for so much more. I just want a decent conversation. A meaningful one, you know. This past weekend I spent my night outside a lounge in LA just waiting to get in, in support of a friends birthday...and for what? We just stood there for hours, not saying much, to each other, not being meaningful people...just waiting. I felt so wronged. We went back to the hotel later that night and I was in such a terrible mood. I tried to put on a happy face since it was a birthday and all, but I didn't have much to give. I wanted to be back home, away from the fabrications and fictitious lives, just anywhere but there. I'm not sure what has happened to me over the past few months. I used to be so good at being "happy." I can't even recollect or revive the feeling. I feel so alone. I sound pompous, like I'm so much better than everyone else, but it's not the case. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of others' being complaisant while I'm drowning. I want to be in a car with all my friends and talk about real things. I want to go out on Saturday night with my friends and not have to find the most exciting thing to do. I want to sit and stare without feeling the pressure from friends to engage in the things that aren't me. I just want to be me.

The trouble is having the courage to change these things. The fortitude to flip my life around and set my sights high. To disregard history, friendships and the semblance of a person I've become in order to transform myself into a woman of God. I'm convicted.

I will find a home, at some point, a little niche where the grooves on my puzzle piece will finally fall into place. At least I'm still hopeful. And despite my captious outlook at the moment, I am optimistic.

Overcome.

2007-08-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

So I have a few goals that I want to accomplish. I decided that it is imperative to write them down in this blog so that I will remember to do them. Ok here goes... (in no particular order)...(well after #1)

1. Become closer with God: This may be nice and easy to type but it's actually in a whole other realm of complication. This is more of a life goal. Enough said.
2. Stop my whining: I seem to be doing too much of this lately. I just need to get over myself for like 2 seconds. seriously.
3. Move out of the state. Preferably somewhere near a lake where I can feed ducks. That would be nice.
4. Learn another language besides spanglish.
5. Pass the CPA exam. aah
6. A husband. I know this will happen at some point (well at least I hope) but I was really hoping for sooner than later.
7. Get a dog! So I settled for a rabbit this past week, but I really wanted a dog. I just didnt feel right about leaving it in a small apartment all day. :/
8. Lose the insecurity and self deprecating thoughts. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Remember this. God didn't just say it to hear himself babble.
9. Stop analyzing every stupid thing. honestly.
10. Be nicer to my brother. This sounds stupid when I write it, like I'm a seven year old writing sentences as punishment..i.e "i will be nicer to my brother, i will be nicer to my brother"-but its the truth. I dont treat him with the respect he deserves.
11. Be a better friend/girlfriend/wife/daughter/sister/neighbor/coworker etc. I hope that I will never settle at being a mediocre person.
12. Find internal joy.
13. Find love.
14. Find life.

So there's my list. Maybe I'll peek at it every now and again. I still have like 30 bazillion bullets I would like to add, but this will do for now.

Also, I would like to retract my angered state in the last blog. I don't really mean it. I should delete it but then that would detract from the purpose of this blog writing crap, right? Actually we had a nice talk today. It was good. This whole softening of the heart thing actually works.

Alright, good talk. Slightly therapeutic.

changed

2007-07-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Seriously what would we do without being told the truth?
Without this I wouldn't have known how two faced and hypocritical people can be.

Definitely over it. Moving on and moving up.
Thanks

hmm.

2007-07-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

I seriously feel so stupid.
I've been trying to study for my CPA exam, and I can't grasp anything related to accounting. I've spent the past 4 years in college studying, and the last 6 years working in it, and still can not seem to understand.
I'm freaking out.
I thought maybe a review course might help, but so far the prices far exceed my budget. I really hope I can pass. I need to prove to myself that I'm not a failure.

On a second topic: I can't pray aloud. At Bible study tonight they asked for someone to pray about a request, and I couldn't do it, I couldn't raise my stupid hand, to speak out loud. I really wanted to. I feel like people will judge me as I stutter over my words, judge me for not being an "accomplished prayer" like its something you should win a pulitzer for. I really hate the fakeness associated with Christianity sometimes. I wanna ramble on to God, screw conciseness and strategically placed phrases and adjectives. I just wanna say,"hey God, whats up" somewhere else besides the comfort of my own mind and have it be acceptable without sounding like a dummy. I pray that I can overcome this fear.

Tonight at the group someone also mentioned that "when people are out of their comfort zone, they are more like themselves."(in context of talking about mission trips). I disagree with that. I think that sometimes on mission trips we put on a facade; we go to our mission place, we eat and breath the Holy spirit for a set time, then we return back home-back to our normal lives where God can sometimes stumble to last place in the race. At home, though, is where we can really be considered "ourselves." For example, when I went to Europe I could have pretended to be ANYONE. Nobody knows me there. Therefore, I could have said, "Hi, my name is Kristin and I'm the perfect example of a Christian, I have a family of six and a dog named Ralph, and I work for NASA," and who would really know? Who I am at home is really Kristin. I think as Christians we should strive for the combination of those two "worlds." When I'm at home, I want to be the person I feel I am when I'm on a mission trip. I want to feel God working in me, I want to hum praise songs in my shower months after I've returned from Mexico, I want to consider God in everything I do ALL the time. This will always be a constant struggle for me. When I get a phone call about going to a bar, I want to possess so badly the courage to say no. I want to be strengthened in God and be a true follower of Him, not just a crappy imposter.

Other than that, tonight was good. I feel blessed to have met these people and look forward to learning more from then.

Finally, I'm racking my brain because he won't pick up the phone. Why do I put myself through the misery? The cause for my stupidity and continuance of such states remains to be a mystery.

Goodnight.

Therapeutic? Let us see.

2007-07-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

I heard this was therapeutic. Kind of like those chicken soup for the soul books but for a more self indulgent purpose. Those books actually contain stories of people with real problems. Who cares though. No one can find this. That might be the beauty of it. The world wide web is saturated with mindless banter...I might as well contribute to the futile plague of thoughts and opinions as well.

Tomorrow I begin my first real day in the "adult work force." With college behind me for the moment, I now will wake up to attend a mind numbing job where my day consists of pushing paper, calculating endless numbers, working for the man; a trite puppet show for the people who even care to watch from the mezzanine. My scholarly "accomplishment" of finishing college has brought me to this. I do know that my so called destiny is in my own hands, but I'm scared. I hear about people taking year long trips around the world, visiting countries I only dream of seeing, but I can't seem to strip myself of this comfy security I have here at home. I tried for a chance to get away, at least in Washington DC for an internship, but was regrettably denied. I feel like God has one of those self inking "denied" stamps up above and continues to emboss me with this tarnishing word in all areas of my life. Denied from brand name colleges, denied from having any talents, denied from noteworthy intelligence, and denied from love.

I have not been denied from giving love. In fact I seem to give too much at times to people who will probably forget my name in years to come. I wonder if I have ever really been loved in return. Yes, I paint a sad picture of my life. Truthfully, it's not that bad, but at the moment I feel hurt. I feel as if I've lost my center of gravity; I feel completely unbalanced as if at any moment I'll crack, shattering to pieces, strewn about on the unforgiving asphalt. Michelangelo found the center of gravity in a piece of marble, and I, a thinking, capable human being can not at the moment. I thought I had found love. Blinded? Obviously. It's been about 7 months, and I'm angry with myself for not being able to get over it. I was so close at one point. Funny how when the storm finally reaches a calm, the heavens seem to send my ship into another whirlwind. I had finally reached a point where I was happy with a friendship. Every morning I still secretly hoped for another chance. Stupid me. In Europe I had glorious hopes of coming back to someone who loved me, who might embrace me, tell me what a mistake they made, give me back that feeling of floating in the warmth of love. Stupid again. I would never have sent those messages to an ex who I knew was still in love with me if I had no intentions of pushing through the hurt to start anew. I would like to withdraw my number from this lottery of misfortune. I want my best friend back in that way; I am still so much in love. Shoot me please.

This has turned into quite a pathetic sob story. Maybe a few more thoughts...

On the contrary, I am thankful for so many things. I have been blessed by God in so many ways. Despite my whining, He has given me more than enough to create a beautiful path in life. I suppose it's up to me to utilize this. I have been blessed with a great family. We are dysfunctional in every way, but at the moment they are all I have. I have been blessed with a few close friends who I hope will be in my life forever. The Bible says each person is "fearfully and wonderfully made." I hope so. Thank you for everything.

Also, I have researched many places to visit and maybe even live. I think it might be time for me to make a significant change. My goal is to have something figured out by next May when my lease is up. This might be considered running away, I view it as giving myself a chance at life.

Therapeutic? That remains to be seen.